New identification system targets virtual sex

A new identification system aimed at allowing people to have legitimate virtual sex is on the horizon and has been welcomed by authorities on both sides of the atlantic.

The system, which will cost consumers no money is linked to a homeland security database. A spokesman explained:

"The new search engine has allowed us to collate keywords, UUID's and object names so that we can build up a profile of someone who is likely to engage in virtual sex. At the point of no return we will pop an identity key screen on their monitor. A biometric passport or a thumb print will allow the participants to go further if they meet the criteria of being of the opposite sex, within 4 years of each other in age and have no prior convictions for DUI."

However the breakthrough in technology has been received joyously in Europe, an EU spokesman said:

"The beauty of virtual worlds is that you can develop policy. The introduction of this new policy not only helps with health and safety issues but also allows us to test new taxes in a virtual world to see how they will be received, we never tire of looking for new ways to tax our citizens."

The health and safety initiative includes free goggles for males to try and alleviate a 273% increase of jizz in the eye accidents in the last twelve months alone, funding for the goggles will come from a new VAT charge on any virtual escort selling their services to a European citizen:

"We take health and safety issues very seriously in Europe, medical science has already proven beyond doubt that such activities lead to poor eyesight and boils on the back of the neck. The stark increase in jizz in the eye injuries has meant we have to act. The protective goggles will be issued to any male who is verified by the homeland security database. However in extreme cases we will issue boxing gloves with a note to a family member to ensure they are securely in place during peak hours.

In terms of funding, we will send a VAT bill to any virtual world escort who sells their services to a European, even if that escort resides outside of the European Union. It's only fair that we rake in as much tax as we can."

Aprilfool Linden exclaimed "This is wonderful news, for too long now all we've heard about is TP failure, failed transactions, asset server failure, too few groups, hair up the butt and poor customer service. This gives residents something else to complain about, so we sure as hell are happy."